Day 348: An Imperfect Tribute

The funny thing about church is that people think it's all about God.

Really, it's more about people.

You can meet God anywhere.

At work or on vacation.

In a busy restaurant having breakfast with a friend.

In a chair by the fireplace with a good book and a mug of hot chocolate.

You can meet him at the dog park or the mall, alone or with friends, morning, noon, or night.

Although quiet places are best, he can also be found in music or chaos or tears.

Love him or hate him, believe in him or not, whether he feels as close as your own skin or very, very far away … God has promised to stay with us through every moment of every day of this journey that we call life.

But people are different.

To find a faith-based community of people travelling through life on the same journey as you?

You gotta go to church for that.

And it's a good thing too, because if people were omnipresent, it would be really creepy.

After Nathan moved to Fredericton and we got married, we decided to find a church where we both felt comfortable worshipping together.

Each Sunday, we donned jeans and a t-shirt and made the rounds of the churches in Fredericton.

Each Sunday, we arrived at a different church … late.

Partly because we wanted to see how people treated casually-dressed latecomers.

Partly because we were a newly-married couple – and y'all know how that is.

One Sunday, we landed on the steps of Crosspoint Church. Late, as usual. In jeans and t-shirts.

But since they have multiple services, you can't really tell who's early and who's late.

And although some people do dress up, even the pastors wear jeans.

My first impression was a voice, hollering across the bustling lobby.

My grade one teacher, Debby. Saying hello. And welcome.

Now before you think this is a shameless plug for my church, let me give you a disclaimer:

From the oldest saint to the newest babe, there's not a perfect person in the place.

Sometimes we say all the wrong things and step on each other's toes.

We make mistakes: small ones … and big ones.

We're not 100% right 100% of the time. Or even 10% of the time.

But, like faith communities all over the globe, we need each other.

Sometimes like Frodo needs Sam.

Other times, more like Frodo needs Gollum or Boromir.

That Sunday was the last day we church-hopped.

That was over four years ago now.

About a year later, we joined a small group led by Debby's husband Conard. Joining meant being quickly enveloped in a miniature community of love. As anyone who has been a part of that small group over the years can attest, we had something special going on.

When CP sent a missions team to Mozambique, Conard encouraged Nathan to join them. He did – and will never see the world the same way again.

We went to small group to learn more about how to live out our faith, but also to share our own thoughts and experiences, and to make memories over laughter and good food.

We were also there when it became apparent that something was dreadfully wrong.

When Conard was diagnosed with prostate cancer.

When Conard and Debby chose to face his illness, not with bitterness, but with courage and grace and dignity.  

When Conard passed away this past Friday.

His death leaves a whole lot of people asking "why"?

Why him?

Why now?

He was so alive.

So loved.

And he had so much left to give.

Any answer I could give you would be pat and useless.

But when God is silent, the church is there to be his hands and feet.

To share memories. To mourn. And to remember that Conard's journey isn't over yet.

In fact, it's just beginning.

Conard loved The Hobbit and Lord of the Rings.

And so I end this imperfect tribute to a life well-lived with this quote:

"End? No, the journey doesn't end here. Death is just another path, one that we all must take. The grey rain-curtain of this world rolls back, and all turns to silver glass… And then you see it… White shores, and beyond, a fair green country, under a swift sunrise."

- J.R.R. Tolkien

Day 339: Random Thoughts

Random Thoughts

Infinity scarves were actually created as storage facilities for chocolate kisses (and other candy) so you can keep your sugar close while still looking incredibly fabulous.

When you're too embarrassed to wear ankle pants, it's time to shave your legs.

Changing your text message notification sound to the Despicable Me minions saying "bottom" and then laughing hysterically will make you giggle at random times throughout the day. It is not, however, recommended that you leave your phone volume on high while working in a library.

Do not purchase a Newfoundland dog if you don't want to be greeted enthusiastically every morning by a hairy 130 lb beast with the mental capacity of a toddler and globs of drool stretching from its mouth down to its knees.

Cats were invented by the furniture industry in order to ensure maximum wear and tear of their products – keeping you coming back to buy new couches more often without laying any of the blame on them for shoddy merchandise.

NEVER buy white chocolate Toblerone bars. They have an incredibly short shelf life. Even at the back of your freezer where they "should" be forgotten. ;)

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In art & writing news, in the months of January and February, I will be teaching art 3x a week (and doing some math tutoring). I'm continuing to write a monthly review for Thriving Family Magazine, and I'm starting (for the 50 millionth time) to get some writing done for a book.

But the best way to kill an unwritten book is to talk about it.

So (in my best Madagascar penguins voice), "You didn't see anything."

Also, if you are reading this sentence, thank you. The 1000 Days blog cracked 3000 all-time views last week, and I got my first comment from someone I didn't know (on the Nine Newfies blog, which is approaching 6000 views, despite my not adding anything to it for months).

That is, my first comment other than YouTube comments.

My favorite so far is from someone who wrote this gem on my hedgehog video: "awwww the wittle nose! and omg thise [sic] spikes look dangerous… but omg sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff! [heart] so cute"

I didn't have the heart to tell them that Mr. Huffy passed away several months ago after a lingering illness.

:( RIP Mr. Huffy.

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Feel free to add your random thoughts in the comments section!

Day 337: Dreaming in the Attic

When I was a kid, the thing I wanted most in the whole wide world was to travel.

Aside from reading, writing, and drawing, one of my favorite pastimes was sitting in the attic, making collages from old National Geographic magazines and dreaming of places I’d never been but planned to visit.

The attic wasn't furnished – or rather, it was.

It just wasn't finished.

Our house was almost one hundred years old, and nothing much had been done to improve the attic since the builders – long dead, I’m sure – had packed up their hammers and saws and moved on to their next construction project.

The exposed brick chimney stood in the middle of the room, and the rough, cobwebbed roof joists sloped outward and downward to the dark corners where you could see pink insulation peeping out from behind a misshapen army of boxes and suitcases. The attic floor was made of pallets that my parents picked up for free from behind furniture stores, lugged home atop our ancient station wagon, and dismantled in the backyard. Some of the wood was used for firewood, but the best pieces were nailed together into a tolerable surface so that no one could fall through the ceiling to the rooms below.

I think someone did fall through the hatch once, but I don’t remember who it was.

They were (mostly) okay.

Someone also hung themselves in the basement.

But that was before we moved in.

Dad never told us about the hanging until after we moved out, but it does explain the cold, clammy feeling in the pit of my stomach whenever I raced past the basement door in the middle of the night on my way to the bathroom.

Anyway … we pushed an old wooden desk against the chimney and set up one of those prehistoric manual typewriters – the kind with enough heavy metal to start their own band and moveable arms that swung up from inside and left a faded letter printed on the paper that we hand-cranked, piece by piece, into the typewriter using a knob on the side. We never replaced the ribbon, so the letters got progressively more faded as time wore on, and sometimes the letter arms got stuck together and you had to unstick them and get oil all over your fingers, but at least you never wasted time choosing a font.

Our tiny house was filled to overflowing with life, as our family grew to include eight people, one dog, one cat (and several litters of kittens), two birds, a succession of hamsters, and a tank full of fish that were unfortunate enough to get sucked up into the filter where we didn’t find them until all that was left were their tiny skeletons.

The attic was a pretty nice place to get away from it all. In fact, the attic was so popular that the hatch was always left open and the stepladder beneath it became a permanent fixture.

Even in the heat of the summer, with sweat running down our arms and soaking our hair so that it stuck to our foreheads and the backs of our necks, we played in the attic.

Writing stories.

Trading hockey cards.

Making collages.

Having contests about who could jump over the open hatch … and who couldn’t.

Whoops.

And the dreams that were born in a hot attic, hunched over glue sticks and old magazine clippings, stayed in my heart all through middle school … and high school.

I got a scholarship and made plans to go to university and become a teacher so I could travel all over the world, teaching in different countries, and never staying in one place for more than a few years at a time.

And then I met a man.

Men are game-changers.

We dated for three years, then got engaged.

Several months into our year-long engagement, and only a few months away from my BEd graduation and our wedding, I realized something.

If I got married, my dreams weren't going to come true.

At least not for a long, long time.

It was a dark winter night. Nathan and I were sitting in a parking lot outside New York Fries.

I’d never eaten there before.

I don't plan to eat there again.

We talked.

Should we delay the wedding so I could teach overseas for a year?

If we did, would I come back?

I graduated, a licensed teacher, on July 15^th 2009.

I got married three days later.

I’m glad I did.

Ever since then, the thread that is my life has been winding circles around itself, my days spent wending through the same places, in the same province, in the same city.

Day after day. Layer upon layer.

Growing older but going nowhere in particular.

I’ve worked or interned in every school I ever attended. Elementary school. Middle school. High school. University. I taught in the basement of the church where I got married, and I work in a library with the same (awesome) librarian who was my librarian then and we are separated only by a door from the cafeteria where I held my reception. I live in a house two blocks away from where my grandparents lived almost their whole lives and where my father grew up. I attend the same church and small group as my grade one teacher, whose husband taught my father, whose son taught me, whose grandson I taught in grade 6 during my teaching internship at the same school I attended as a preteen.

The choices I've made have become a big, beautiful knot that ties me here to this place, to these people.

One day, I will get on a plane to visit another country. But it is not this day.

One day, I will visit the Philippines, see the city where I was born, and meet our Compassion child, Johnny. But it is not this day.

One day, I will go to Israel and walk the land that gave birth to my faith. But it is not this day.

One day, I will go on a mission trip, study abroad, or volunteer overseas with an NGO. But it is not this day.

And that is okay.

Because that day will come.

And because I will come back.

The summer I met my husband, I copied this quote into my journal:

“That was a memorable day to me, for it made great changes in me. But, it is the same with any life. Imagine one selected day struck out of it, and think how different its course would have been. Pause you who read this, and think for a moment of the long chain of iron or gold, of thorns or flowers, that would never have bound you, but for the formation of the first link on one memorable day.”

- Charles Dickens (Great Expectations)

I’m glad to say my chain is forged of gold … with a few flowers sprinkled here and there to annoy me. ;)

And I wouldn't trade it for a work visa, a passport full of stamps, or a thousand airplane tickets to anywhere in the world.

**After conferring with my family, we have agreed on the following information**

1. It was John.
2. He fell on Matthew.
3. Matthew was mad, but otherwise okay. 

Day 335: Flowers. I hate them.

Flowers.

I hate them.

I hate their crinkly cellophane wrapping. I hate their sticky leaves and limp petals. I hate searching the house for a vase, and I hate that when I finally find one and fill one, I always forget to stir in the white powder until after the flowers have been successfully installed.

I hate cutting stems.

My smallest pair of pruning shears have blades at least 18 inches long, and I can never find my scissors.

So I usually cut the stems with a steak knife.

It is really hard to cut stems at a 45 degree angle with a steak knife.

I hate arranging flowers and I hate finding a place to put them

I hate watering them.

I hate it when they wilt.

I hate it when they die.

I had fake flowers at my wedding.

My husband knows all this.

But he does not care.

A few weeks ago, he brought me home a gigantic bouquet of daisies.

I almost killed him.

(Except I didn't.)

Instead, I pointed out the possible gifts he could have purchased in lieu of flowers:
- Chocolate (Fair Trade white chocolate for special occasions or a Mars bar for everyday goodness)
- Chocolate milk (any size)
- Gum (peppermint)
- Art supplies (acrylic paint, canvas, brushes, pencils, erasers)
- Pet supplies (treats, poo bags, accessories)

Yes. I would rather have plastic baggies full of poo than flowers. However, if flowers are absolutely necessary, I mentioned the following as acceptable choices:

- Any bouquet with 5 flowers or less (and no green stuff or baby's breath). 
- Sunflowers
- Something in a pot full of dirt that I can stick outside and let the rain do the watering

When I first drafted the beginning of this post several weeks ago, I thought I was being clever and reasonable.

And then yesterday happened.

Yesterday, my husband had the day off.

When I have the day off, I sleep in. I might clean or run a few errands, but usually I spend the day sprawled on the couch, inhaling book after book, and only getting up when it is absolutely necessary.

That's not what Nathan does.

This is a man who had the day off. He looks relaxed and rested. 

But appearances can be deceiving.

This is a man who came to visit me at work and helped me make Christmas ornaments for the library.

This is a man who borrowed my keys … so he could put snow tires on my car.

This is a man who took out the garbage and shoveled the driveway and cleaned the house.

This is a man who cooked dinner … and cleaned up after.

This is a man who bought me a present … metal grips for my sneakers so I can run with Sam on the icy sidewalks and not be afraid of falling.

This is a man who led small group at our house.

This is a man who drove me to Walmart so I could choose cushions and a throw to dress up our new-to-us couch.

(This is also a man who drove to Oromocto on a snowy Sunday afternoon to pick up said couch.)

This is a man, up late reading, because he reached the climax of the story and had to find out what happened next.

This is the man who teaches me every day what it means to be truly selfless.

This is my husband – the man that I love – for all this and more.

But tomorrow, we will both wake up.

Tired and grumpy.

There will be bills to pay and a budget to balance and laundry to wash and dry and fold.

There will be stress and anxiety and misunderstandings and poor decisions.

We will not always get along.

He will ramble on about cars. And trucks. And four wheelers. And vacuums.

He will interrupt me repeatedly with non-essential facts about any or all of the above topics – especially when I'm trying to read or write.

(He will also play video games, rock music, or loud movies during that time.)

He will put his dirty work clothes on top of my clean laundry.  

He will put my clean work clothes in the dryer so I'm never sure if I'm gaining weight or if my clothes are actually shrinking.

He will steal every dish, mug, and fork that I own and squirrel them away in his truck until spring.

He will grunt when I'm pouring out my soul to him – and then tell me about a sweet muscle car he just saw on Kijiji.

He may even buy me flowers.

(Gasp! The unforgivable sin.)

But you know what?

I don't mind so much anymore.

I think next time, I might even enjoy them.

#FeelingBlessed

Day 333: The Coat

My favorite coat was green.

Not lime green or forest green, but a soft, muted green – the color of distant pines whose silhouettes are almost lost behind a blanket of falling snow.

The coat had stitching the colour of spun straw and reached halfway down to my knees. Its detachable hood was like a cave for my head. I could retreat deep inside its velvety softness, safe from the cold and wind, and observe the world from beneath its faux fur fringe.

The coat was warm and thick and durable and expensive and everything a favorite coat should be.

I bought it on sale at Marks about two winters ago – maybe three.

It's hard to remember now.

I don't usually pay that much for a single article of clothing, even on sale, but it had been a cold winter and I was a teacher who had outside duty more often than not. It was a good purchase.

Since I had never owned anything that nice before, I did my best to take care of the coat.

If you know me personally, you will know that I am not a naturally careful person.

But I did my best.

I always draped the coat over a chair instead of dropping it on the floor.

I bought it complementary-coloured gloves and kept its pockets junk-free.

I gave it time and space to dry out between uses.

And when Dave (the cat) jumped on the coat, I carefully pried him off and mourned the almost invisible puncture wounds his claws had left behind.

I loved that coat because while wearing it, I was never cold.

And since I am always cold … I wore it everywhere that winter.

Including to church.

You wouldn't think of church as a particularly dangerous place to bring a coat.

But that Sunday, it was.

I don't remember for sure, but I think the sermon was about sacrifice. Or about giving your best to God. Or about valuing spiritual growth over material comfort. Maybe all three.

Because at the end of the sermon, the pastor asked us to do something unusual.

He asked us to give something away.

Something that wasn't money.

Something we had with us.

Something that was our very best.

I looked at my $2 yard sale boots.

I looked at my $8 Canadian Tire gloves.

I looked at my once-stylish-but-now-worn sweatshirt.

I looked at my beautiful coat.

And I knew what I had to do.

My coat let a tired sigh as I laid it on the steps of the altar.

I wanted nothing more than to snatch it back up again.

But I left church that day without it.

I don't know where my coat went or where it is today.

I don't know if it was given to someone in need or if it was sold for $20 at a thrift store.

I don't know if it's in a landfill or collecting dust at the back of a closet or hugging someone's shoulders tight as it shields them from the winter cold.

I hope it's the latter.

Unlike some (but not all) of the people who gave their best that day, I couldn't afford to replace my coat.

I dressed in layers.

I dusted off a decade-old jacket.

Eventually, I bought a $50 coat from Fairweather (aptly named because it wasn't very warm and began to disintegrate almost immediately).

So I bought two fur-lined man-sweaters for $7.50 each at J-Mart.

I also cried.

But I am warm enough.

And someday, I will have a new favorite coat.

But I will never forget my old one.

If I had chosen to keep the coat, my body would be a little warmer this cold December.

But my soul would be a little colder.

On the day of that sermon, I was wrestling with my faith. Where does the rubber meet the road? If God asks me to do something, will I say yes?

Regardless of our pastor's request, I didn't feel pressured by him or by any of the other parishioners to give up my coat. No one would have judged me if I had left with all my belongings intact.

I don't think God was asking for everyone's coats that morning.

But he was asking for mine.

And so a piece of fabric became symbolic of a life choice that I try to make each and every day.

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Life is fraught with tension between the temporal and the eternal, the physical and the spiritual. While individual decisions can fall at either end of the continuum, a balanced life works itself out somewhere in the middle.

On the outside, our lives may appear mundane. 
We sometimes share our joys with friends. 
Sometimes we suffer alone. 
We drown in our busy routines.

But on the inside … we walk a tightrope blindfolded, our outstretched fingertips touching heaven on one side and earth on the other, our feet inching unsteadily forward.

One shaky step at a time.

Me, my mom, & my coat!

My parents and hubby and I on an overnight trip to Halifax.