Day 87: Thermometers

"Excuse me, but do you have a thermometer that you can stick up a dog's bum?"

We were shopping for Kia's whelping kit, and the nature of our purchases necessitated some awkward conversations.

Apparently KY Jelly has more than one use.

We eventually found a thermometer at the Feeds'N Needs.
A horse thermometer.
A mercury horse thermometer.

In order to read a mercury thermometer, you need a degree in astrophysics.
No one told me that.

I found it out myself 'round about the same time as I held a well-lubricated and poo-smeared thermometer up to the bedroom light and saw ... nothing.

Except poo.
And glistening globs of KY Jelly.

Apparently, you're supposed to wipe it off first.

After two equally unsuccessful attempts, we decided to raise the temperature by putting the thermometer into a jar of hot water and learning to read it before inserting it into the dog's rectum.

I put the thermometer into the jar and counted to 60.
Nothing.

I shook it.
Nothing.

I peered a little closer.
Through the glass, I could discern a thread of silver that was definitely not a reflection.
"Success!" I thought.

And then I peered a lot closer.
"Hey Nate, the tip of this thermometer looks like it's broken."
We held it up to the bathroom light.

"No, I think it just came like that," he said.

And then I gave it one more little shake.

Yup.
It was broken.

I spent the rest of the night freaking out and reading government websites on how to properly clean up and dispose of small mercury spills.

Nathan spent the rest of the night actually doing the work.

Did you know that you can find infinitesimally small mercury beads by turning out the lights and shining a flashlight at a low angle to the floor? The mercury reflects the light, and you can pick up the beads using a piece of tape.

This is never fun, but is particularly trying at 2:00 am on a cold spring night with the windows open to provide ventilation.

Our floor has never been more thoroughly searched.

He found the broken thermometer tip on one of my favorite comfy sweaters that had the bad luck to be in the vicinity.

Too bad I hadn't put it in the laundry basket where it belonged.
Because anything porous that mercury lands on cannot be washed and needs to be properly disposed of.

No more sweater.

And finally, no more mercury.

The next day, I bought a digital rectal thermometer at Pet Smart.
And I will never buy a mercury thermometer again.

The End.

Have a happy, mercury-free Easter!